Arranged Marriages

[hI My NaMe iZ]

Assalamu alaikum,

Would you marry someone who is not from your community, possibly even from another country, who your parents chose for you?


What if he/ she has good credentials, would you consider him or her for marriage?

[taz8bugs]

no; maybe
depends on what the credentials are.

[HijabiQT]

Assalaamualaikum,


What if he/ she has good credentials, would you consider him or her for marriage?

yes, if he has better qualities and a better character then the other men in my community or the ones i know from my country.

[Light524]

yes, if he has good credentials, and my parents want me to but if i could i would get to no him 1st though b4 juz rushin into marriage cuz my parents want to.

[amaney]

Would you marry someone who is not from your community, possibly even from another country, who your parents chose for you?

NO...only b/c I don't think i would be able to relate to him. He would have had a different upbringing and would he know how to raise children in THIS society....with all the wonderous stuff thats in this society, you dont want someone who is gonna be like, but we never had to go thru such things in such and such a place! :(

You want someone who knows the in's and out's of this society! (well atleast thats what I want.:p )

[xMaheenx]

No, I wouldn't consider it, maybe I would have before but now I am completely against it since an incident where my parents allowed a good family friend of ours come over and ask my hand in marriage for her son who was 25.. to me who was 16 at the time. yeah some people are okay with the whole large pedophilic age difference, but definitely not me. Especially when the guy asks you what you want to be, and when you tell him you want to be a lawyer he says you should pick a career which is more feminine.

yeah, that guy got a big "heck no" from me. And since then it has seriously altered my trust on my parents judgement. Yes parents do want the best for you. Yes they love you dearly; but just because a guy comes from a good family does not mean he is right for you. There is more to compatability than just same race, same religion, job security and complimentary height.


Istikhara can only do so much for you, and it's for things in which you can't use your own judgement. I'm sure any sane girl who values the rest of her life would have said no also. Oh did I mention that he got married to someone else 2 months later? Yeah, I don't think I would want someone who could get over me so easily either.

That's why I'm going to Inshallah find someone on my own, I know myself inside out, and Inshallah It will work out. I am way too traumatized to ever try aranged marriage again. It also seriously messes with the self esteem of girls cuz sometimes they're told "oh he's good for you, maybe you won't get another rishta" etc. At least when you meet someone you know that they're there not cuz they're parents think that you're right for them, but because that person also greatly approves of you. And if you do marry cuz he has a "good family" God only knows how long is parents are gonna be alive, or what if he gets a job somewhere far away and then it's just you and him- yeah you can kiss his family goodbye.

sorry for venting. I'm completely against arranged marriages, i'm sure they work out for some people, but i'm not cool with it. My parents met after their nikkah :eek .. yeah, they use themselves as an example to vouch for arranged marriages- I say that's ok for people who have no problem settling with anybody. I'm not comfortable with marrying someone I'm not that into, having children with that dude, and then being stuck with him forevvvverrrrrrrrrr in akhira too.

I think it's time our cultures stopped hiding our dirty laundry, such as husbands who beat their wives, and women who buckle under the pressure their parents put on them to marry strangers. We can't go on pretending that everyone is a perfect muslim. That every man treats his wife the way Islam dictates for him. And that every girl is as happy as she could be on the day that she is married.. You see the desi girls cryin during rukhsathi in her wedding video.. Missing her family is not the only reason why.

Our society says that if a girl finds someone she wants to marry on her own, that she is responsible for the decision and if something goes wrong that she can't turn back to her family for help (yeah it sounds shocking but trust me this is the way desi jahaliya is).. well I say if the girl is old enough to be GETTING married, she's old enough to pick who she is getting married to as well.

I'm totally for the Hazrath Khadija and Rasulallah Sws example 100%.

[amaney]

I'm totally for the Hazrath Khadija and Rasulallah Sws example 100%.

LOL...:lol

Okay Maheen, I'm with u on this, like I agree with u...hey its allowed in Islam, but how would you find the person and get to know about his characteristics the HALAL way...without like talking to the guy by urself first?

just curious

[DSMuslimah]

I am way too traumatized to ever try aranged marriage again

As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa baraka tu hu,

sis, Maheen, not all arranged marriages are arranged so that the couple meets after the nikkah, or that you have no say in the matter, or that you cannot find out more about the potential spouse.

if it was simply suggested by parents that you consider someone, but you're not being forced into anything at all, why not consider them just like you would consider someone else you may have heard about at your local masjid or other islamic organizations?

as far as trusting parental judgement, open lines of communication are KEY, they're not mind readers, and although they love us more than we could ever imagine, and they want nothing less than the absolute best for us, they don't always know whats going on in our head - and we shouldn't expect them to.

respectfully make your thoughts, requirements, etc known...i'm almost certain they'd love to hear them, because atleast they'll understand the reasons behind the things you say and possibly even take those things into account next time around.

Wa Allahu Alim

[xMaheenx]

I suppose one halal way is by meeting family friends. You know how at dawaths when family's get together and people introduce their children to you. Sometimes the older kids sit together in a group (not alone) and talk a few minutes about what college they are going to, what they're studying etc. with parents around. That may give you some idea of what the person is like. Then you can go and tell your parents what you think.

Also I know a lot of people meet their spouses through MSA, MAS, some even through YM though YM doesn't have much contact through the brothers and sisters wings.

Some people find a guy through their friends, friends brother, cousin etc. and you find out what he's like through her.

Some people meet on accident. there are lots of different ways. I guess the best we can do is keep a look out and have faith that Allah swt has someone out there for us all.

[xMaheenx]

not all arranged marriages are arranged so that the couple meets after the nikkah, or that you have no say in the matter, or that you cannot find out more about the potential spouse.

I understand that not all arranged marriages are like that, I was just merely trying to shed light on the fact that we can't go on pretending that they are all perfect. There is a large majority of cases where the girl is forced into marriage. And the prophet muhammad sws said if a woman is forced into marriage then the nikkah is not valid, and the woman is allowed to leave the marriage. I'm not talking about forced as in they put a gun to your head, but even the small pep talks they give you when you get a rishta sometimes put the girl down. Not all parents are open to communication. I tried bringing it up once, it was considered "be-haya" or indecent for me to talk about it in front of my parents. "look at kids these days, they discuss their own marriages in front of their father, astagfirallah" and you're left there wondering "then who else am I supposed to discuss it with?".

We have to stop pretending that that does not happen^^.
And parents are fixed, there's not much changing that can be done. They're too old to change, to accustomed to their own ways and traditions.

[DSMuslimah]

As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa baraka tu hu

i hear ya, the aren't all perfect, and force can come in alot of different ways. and yes, the communication barrier unfortunately does exist alot. And yes, i have definitely seen parents accustomed to their own ways and traditions, not willing to budge...

we all know the problem, and you know what, if we don't take action, the arent going to budge.....and we need them to budge. after listing all the problems, and all the barriers, we need to brainstorm ways to solve this problem.

a few suggestions i've seen from scholars and other students of knowledge about this:

1. We can Make Dua after praying Qiyam ul Layl that Allah (swt) open the hearts of those nearest to us, to what is best for our Aakhirah, and open their hearts to what we have to say. Make Dua that Allah (swt) blesses us with a spouse that is the coolness of our eyes, one who has the fear and love of Allah (swt) in his heart, patience, good aklaq, and motivates you to be a better muslim everyday, and that you are the same in return and that he is someone your family will be happy with and love aswell (nothing is impossible for Allah (swt))

2. If you're active in YM, or someother organization....think maybe you could get them to arrange a marriage seminar for the youth in your city? If some parents have issue with sending their kids, make it open to families so they can get a dose of the good stuff too, invite people like Br. Altaf Hussein, and others, have a generation gap lecture - and i guess dont give it a title that woud make the parents be like "astaghfirallah, i'm not sending my kid to this be haya-ness lecture" ;) , but at the same time brings in the youth...

Wa Allahu Alim

[xMaheenx]

Yeah I took my parents to a Marriage Seminar hosted by MSA at a local masjid, we had this american-Muslim convert, he's a really good speakers mashallah named Amir Abdel Malik, he's sitting there talkin about "communication is key" ask your children what they want, allow them to find someone and bring them to you, we don't know our kids inside out like we claim to" etc.

My dad raises his hand "What do you think about arranged marriage"

It was like.. *sigh*.. that whole lecture just went in one ear and out the other. yeah I make tons of dua, you guys make dua for me too lol.

[biyah1087]

I totally with Sister Maheen on this. I don't think my parents really know me or understand what I want. I mean, in these marriage talks, parents claim to know much more about the world and want what's best for you (which i'm sure they do), but they've grown up in a society that is completely different from ours. Their views and ideologies are completely different. You can tell from the way every single person is pressured to be a doctor- they don't realize that what we want should be taken into account as well.
My own mother wants somebody from Karachi, Pakistan, or Hyderabad, India, and refuses to consider any other option. I recall discussing this with another sister, and we agreed on the fact that we are more American than Pakistani (come on, we can't deny it), and that marrying an African American brother would make more sense than marrying somebody who has been living in Pakistan all his life, just because we've grown up in different places and as a sister pointed out before, I wouldn't be able to relate to him at all.
Of course I would consider who my mother put before me- I'm not against arranged marriages or anything- but only after I am thoroughly satisfied with his personality and character would I think of taking a step forward.
I am sure I made little sense in my little rant, so tell me if I should clarify anything.

[xMaheenx]

yeah that made perfect sense. And see that's exactly what i'm trying to prove.. Parents these days try to enforce their own cultural jahaliya under the name of Islam and by saying "do what your parents say, we want what is best for you". But marrying a guy from pakistan, when you were raised here, you are completely from two different worlds. Even if you marry a guy from a different state it's a little hard to adjust, imagine how difficult it would be to get used to a guy from another country!

There is a huge gap between our generation and our parents. Not because of the age, but because of how we grew up and our surroundings. They fail to realize that. They also are so prejudiced and don't take into account that in Islam you marry a person for their deen because that is the best person in the eyes of Allah. Our parents on the other hand want us to marry a person for his location, like he's a piece of property or something. "He must be from pakistan, karachi, defense, c-block, this row of houses" etc. thats an exaggeration but you know what i mean. They would hardly consider a really good muslim who is not from pakistan, or india.

[taz8bugs]

Our parents on the other hand want us to marry a person for his location, like he's a piece of property or something. "He must be from pakistan, karachi, defense, c-block, this row of houses" etc. thats an exaggeration but you know what i mean. They would hardly consider a really good muslim who is not from pakistan, or india.
my parents used to be like this, but alhumdulillah they met a guy who completely changed their minds.. now my sister is getting married to him. my mother is indian (guju). my father is pakistani (jhelumi), and my sister is getting married to a white brother who she is 2 yrs older than, and who converted to islam 2 yrs ago, mashaAllah.
they've completely turned around. just make duaa that allah (swt) grants you a just and pious husband and that your parents see people more for their islam than their ethnicity or profession.
inshaAllah everything will work out for the best.
i used to worry about this constantly... being arranged to a guy i never knew, but after seeing how my parents changed and how allah (swt) has granted my sister a good future spouse, i have nothing to worry about. just put your faith in allah and all will be well, inshaAllah.
and it wouldn't hurt to pull out some ahadeeth and show em to your parents. or sit them downt o watch the PBS documentary: "muhammad, life of a prophet."

[life is not supposed to be fun]

Our society says that if a girl finds someone she wants to marry on her own, that she is responsible for the decision and if something goes wrong that she can't turn back to her family for help

i was told this exact thing by someone and i was scared out of my mind :eek

[amaney]

Our society says that if a girl finds someone she wants to marry on her own, that she is responsible for the decision and if something goes wrong that she can't turn back to her family for help

but if a GUY did this...its all good....

sheesh :(

[biyah1087]

so true, amaney....i remember asking my mom about finding someone on my own, and I gave her the example of one of my cousins finding a wife for himself, and her answer to me was, "Beta, its different for him, he's a guy..."

[xMaheenx]

i know! can we say un-islamic double standard? jeez

[Fatima JC]

Maheen:
when you tell him you want to be a lawyer he says you should pick a career which is more feminine.
ha... i would've just laughed in his face...
first of all, who said lawyers aren't 'feminine'
second of all, who said lawyers couldn't be amazing mothers?

It also seriously messes with the self esteem of girls cuz sometimes they're told "oh he's good for you, maybe you won't get another rishta" etc.
a parent should NEVER ever EVER EVER EVER say that to a child.....
'maybe you won't get another rishta'....talk about holes in imaan... what ever happened to 'tawakkal Allah (complete reliance on Allah)'

DS:
open lines of communication are KEY...although they love us more than we could ever imagine, and they want nothing less than the absolute best for us, they don't always know whats going on in our head
i support you 100% on that DS... it's all about opening up the dialogue... i think that kids have alot to do with it too...
you've GOT TO talk to your parents about how you feel... and they won't understand you at first, but give em a chance. as was said before, they were raised in a diff place and time than us - and when you start opening up to them, there may be some initial resistance, but you gotta keep on pushing the communication with them...but hold your ground... stand up for what you believe is islamically correct....it's a 2-way street..

Maheen: and you're left there wondering "then who else am I supposed to discuss it with?".
ask your rents.. 'would u rather i talk to my single, young friends about the rest of my life, or you?' parents have to realize that they should've left their cultural baggage back in the motherland... when they came to america, they should've realized that things were gonna change a little... did they think they were gonna bring the cows here too? and use dung cakes to keep the fire going so that they could slow-cook chickpeas?

but, ya know..parents are human too.. they make mistakes - try breakin it down for them with some TLC.. give it a chance..

when you're trying to explain how u feel to them,and what your priorities are - be respectful & be patient.... it's worth it in the end.. there's something priceless about (most) parents' wisdom - once they're able to relate to you a lil better...

Our society says that if a girl finds someone she wants to marry on her own, that she is responsible for the decision and if something goes wrong that she can't turn back to her family for help
hmm.... i've heard that too.. not the part about her not turning back to family, but i've heard that if a girl proposes to a guy, then he won't value her as much as he would if he saught her out himself.... ??.... but then again, all the people who told me that were from overseas..Could it be cultural bologne? very likely
and I came to realize that.. if he's really a good guy, he won't get caught up in his ego and 'oh, she likes me cuz i'm so hot' attitude.. 'i'm marrying her, she better treat me right and listen to everything i say..dang skippy'

[nobera]

parents have to realize that they should've left their cultural baggage back in the motherland... when they came to america, they should've realized that things were gonna change a little... did they think they were gonna bring the cows here too? and use dung cakes to keep the fire going so that they could slow-cook chickpeas?


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaahaaaahaaaaaa :rollin
i'm at work and i cant stop laughing.

u know, if we had to move back home and live there, it would b reallyyyy hard for us to forget about our values and start adopting theirs...... can u imagine how hard it would be for us to do the cow dung thing?

you've GOT TO talk to your parents about how you feel...

i definitely agree with this. EVEN if they say u're being 'be-haya', atleast they'll know where u're coming from. TRUST ME i think by now, my mom knows what kinda guy, i mean husband i want. once, we got this rishta of an international student who wanted a girl with bla bla qualities AND CITIZENSHIP...... ummmmmm! my mom knew i wouldnt go ahead marry him but she still asked me to talk to him atleast cuz he comes from a good family... ummmmm! i said NO. she understood why. i donno why she asked me in the first place.. but doesnt matter what, why should know!

"He must be from pakistan, karachi, defense, c-block, this row of houses" etc. thats an exaggeration but you know what i mean

my parents are sort of improving now.. it USED TO goes like this: bangladeshi, sylhet (district), some other area in there, a certain kind of family and THEN "is he religious?"
so now, it's: bangladeshi, then....is he religious... they still want a guy from sylhet.. but not as stiff! alhamdulillah

[amaney]

what I dislike abt these arrange marriages is that the people that know both you and him try so much to make the whole deal work, although ur soooo not feeling the person...get what i mean?

like family keep mentioning the person's name and are like...BUT WHY(dont you wanna meet him for marriage purposes)??? and your like....BUT WHY do I have to say yes?

this is how I look at it (and please let me know if this is wrong) okay so we all know some bros, is it wrong to compare the bros that u 'hear' about with the one that the family is trying to get you to meet? like am i being mean if the guy has no worldly stuff (not a good job, no papers, etc...) but he's really good in terms of religion and manners?

like there are soooo many people out there, why do we have to settle for the one with no papers and no good job? and you yourself are going thru college and stuff like that, and inshaAllah will get a good job...etc? :\

i dont know...i dont like all this marriage stuff anymore, its too hard, i wish everyone just had a piece of paper with the name of the person who they are supposed to marry on it? wouldnt that be sooooo much easier?? :rolleyes

[life is not supposed to be fun]

i wish everyone just had a piece of paper with the name of the person who they are supposed to marry on it? wouldnt that be sooooo much easier??

me too!

when i'm talking to my parents about marriage [more like debating actually] i'm like what's the point??? in the end, it will be whoever Allah has Chosen anyway, so then all this tension with them is useless, or is it?

[amaney]

me too!

okay COOL....alhamdulillah i am not alone on this thing..

anyhow sometimes its fun...like the people you consider and stuff...but not always...more stress and all that other depressing stuff than anything, but then i tell myself,...maybe Allah makes us go thru a couple of bad potentials so that when we find the right person we value them a lot! Allahu Alam...:\ as opposed to marrying the first person you meet?

[DSMuslimah]

as salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraka tu hu

umber's original question was asking if we'd just consider them if they have good credentials...

why rule someone out just because they were recommended/referred to you by the people who love you most?
I'm not saying agree solely on that reason..but if the credentials are good, (credentials as in deen, etc, whole pic), it seems to me one would just be blindly closing the door to alot of possible opportunity.
Wa Allahu Alim where this dude whose name we don't have on a piece of paper ;) is gonna come from - make sure you don't slam the door in his face :b

[biyah1087]

Salaam rush, i dont think any of us want to just slam the door in his face. I think what most of us are trying to say is that we would be a bit skeptical of our parents' choice but give the dude a chance. But most likely, we would probably not be compatible with someone who doesn't understand our way of life or how we've been raised. But Allahu Alim, maybe that guy would be the right one....keeping our options open wouldn't hurt.

[Fatima tneck]

Amaney, what you wrote above made me think of this article a friend of mine wrote. You may have seen it before.

Basically, never lower you standards girls- deeny standards that is:

www.hidayaonline.com/arch...00273.html (http://www.hidayaonline.com/archives/000273.html)

I love this article, I refer to it all the time ;) .

[Fatima JC]

Fatima.... that article was just UTTERLY AMAZING Masha'Allah
Subhan Allah

EVERYONE needs to read this piece

[amaney]

Amaney, what you wrote above made me think of this article a friend of mine wrote. You may have seen it before.

Basically, never lower you standards girls- deeny standards that is:

Hey how about dunya standards, like is it bad to want someone with deen and a good job?...okay cuz this is how it is, my dad isn't Donald Trump or Bill Gates, so like when someone who doesnt have a good job (by MY Standards) comes along, they (my aunts and uncles, not my parents alhamdulillah) r like...well look at your dad what does he do? and then I'm like...BUT I'M IN COLLEGE...and inshaAllah i'm gonna work, i dont wanna marry someone who's working such and such! >: it just gets so me sooo grrr...upset when they say that, just b/c my dad works such and such doesnt mean i have to marry someone who's like working in the same long hours little paying job as well!

anyhow, it just pisses me off as to how ur parents listen to you (and once u say no it means no), but its ur family that keeps trying to make you say yes.

am i making sense?

[but yeah dont forget to answer my question: is it bad to want someone with deen and dunya (a good job?)????]

[DSMuslimah]

I think what most of us are trying to say is that we would be a bit skeptical of our parents' choice but give the dude a chance. But most likely, we would probably not be compatible with someone who doesn't understand our way of life or how we've been raised.

as salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraka tu hu,

was just trying to make the thread a wee bit brighter for those of us who kinda don't have another option ;)

people who don't have other options besides parents' choice, should learn how to give their parents a dose of 'this is how i feel, this is reality' every now and then, no matter how bitter it may taste - respectfully. (a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, the medicine go down! :D ...ok i'll stop)

[Fatima tneck]

Amaney, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a preference about how educated your spouse is. It is from the sunnah that we learn we should marry at a somewhat similar level in society, whether that be financial or educational level- doesn't matter (I need to find daleel for this- Fatima JC: any ideas?).

We're all allowed to have preferences. I think if you have a college education it's only natural that you would have more in common with a man who does as well. Women should never be pressured by their families. Saying "I do" is a women's right!

[Sister]

As salaamu 'alaikum,

I agree with Fatima T-unit; a lot has to do with compatibility and having that same mentality, etc. College really exposes you to experiences you've never had, broadens your mind, etc.

[DSMuslimah]

As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa baraka tu hu,

sort of chiming in w/ those 2 - having huge differences in educational background, because of the difference in understanding could lead to barriers in communication, leaving the potential for a lot of problems.

I also think the one's ability to be a critical thinker and reason for themselves is a very important quality to have - one that often times comes with the college experience (not saying you don't have this without college, but it does broaden horizons).

[biyah1087]

hahahah, Rush. i get ure point. the truth is, i probably don't have an option either (although i'm trying to convince my parents otherwise). oh man im scareded....alhamdulillah i have time (i think...)

[hI My NaMe iZ]

"marriages are arranged in heaven and celebrated on earth"
:hat

I swear that's like on ever other Paki/ Indian Wedding card..

let's make some new sayings up..i guess under Take a Break...

[amaney]

thanks fatima t-neck for answering my question...

cause I was starting to think that shoot if I'm gonna end up marrying someone with a not so cool job or an education from back home that he cant even use here.....then whats the point of getting married....if ur gonna be depressed for the rest of ur life thinking "what did i get myslef into?"

gracias mi amiga :D

[life is not supposed to be fun]

maheen, i can't thank you enough for writing all that. its like everything that was going on in my mind, u have just written it all.

its a comfort to know that you're not the only one going through this, its not just your parents who are this stubborn.

Doesn't change the situation very much, but it's still good to know. YM rocks, good to get your feelings out here.

[life is not supposed to be fun]

so anyone have any solution to stubborn parents?

[hI My NaMe iZ]

Speaking of education, I recall a sister who kept saying 'there is this guy who is amazing, blah blah blah.."Can I tell your parents?".

I was of course hesitant (for certain reasons) so I asked her, 'What is his GPA?" and she was like ,'what does that have to do with anything?? and she beagn giving me this talk on how deen matters, not money, etc.

Anyway, I told her If he did not excel in school, that would show he likes to waste money, and he may not be a hard worker like I alwayz want to be..well..that did it, she never came back to me with his GPA..haha

Alhamdulilah for me cuz even if was good, not interested.

Point being,
EDU matters "like WOAH"

[amaney]

that would show he likes to waste money

umber i'm with u on the education thing...and the GPA i guess....and i could see how that could relate to being a hard worker...cuz u didnt get those A's easily!!!

but what does eductaion have ANYTHING to do with wasteing money? I dont get it...i guess i'm an average person...and i could waste money like there is no tomorrow! does that mean i'm dumb?

i think wasteing money has to do with ur background and how you've always been! not ur education.

[Fatima JC]

amaney.. i think her point is that... if a person is paying thousands of bucks to go to college, and yet they flunk out or get C's every semester.. it potentially shows something about them.... it shows that they really don't give a crap about all those thousands of dollars that are going down the toilet... (because if they did care, they would pass their classes and get tutoring or whatever)

hmmm... in my opinion.....grades do matter... a little bit... i think that -even if the guy didn't make the dean's list every semester... as long as he's a good guy (practicing muslim & great character), got basic intelligence.. and he has street smarts.. it's alllllll good ;)

as long as he passed college, and is working a job that can comfortably support his wife and kids...things will go smooth
who knows, maybe he didn't get straight A's in college because he had to support his parents and siblings?? who knows? i think i'd feel reallll funny asking a potential spouse, 'so, what was your gpa in college?'

but with the case that umber is talkin about: if a guy is a single, independent young man.. and he can't seem to pass his classes because he doesn't think graduating college is on the top 3 of his priority list.. i'd tell him 'get a reality check, buddy... u gotta live in the real world...' (btw, i'd give that advice to a sister too... unless she's got 3 kids running after her)

[hI My NaMe iZ]

AS CHAPERONES HOVER, SINGLE MUSLIMS LOOK FOR LOVE - TOP
Jeff Diamont, Newshouse News Service, 8/25/05

EDISON, N.J. -- Islam forbids unsupervised dating, so the recent gathering of young, unmarried Muslims in the banquet hall of an Edison restaurant was billed not as a singles party but as a weightier Muslim Matrimonial Event.

The modern "speed-dating" technique was blended with old religious practices, giving it an Islamic twist with clear rules: Chaperones would roam while the 100 unmarried "candidates" got to know each other through small group talks. An imam would lecture on how the prophet Muhammad valued marriage. There would be a break for evening prayer.

The singles -- 56 women, 44 men -- would take notes to keep track of the candidates each would meet. And there would be little subtlety about the reason they were there.

"If you don't take notes, there will be no follow-up," organizer Khalid Ozair gently chided after the first few rounds of conversation. "And that will defeat the purpose of this event.

"We want follow-up, and we want, inshallah (God willing), that people should get married as a result of this event."

Nervous laughter from the candidates followed, but most of them -- doctors, teachers, computer programmers, engineers and business people who have lived in the United States most of their lives -- had the same wish, to marry someone of their faith.

"I'm interested in marrying someone who is Muslim, someone who has strong faith," said Ali Qureshi, 32, of Manhattan. "Along with that comes someone who has similar morals and values, which is important."

Muslim gatherings like this have sprouted up around the country in the last few years because finding good matches for religious American Muslims remains difficult, singles say.

[alwaysbored]

asalamualikum wrwbo

never ever ever go into a marriage just because your parents choose him
soemtimes we think oh our parents love us thus they'll find us a good guy
my theory and of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion.. dont go for a guy unless you are attracted ot him in not just deen but also in certain areas of the deen and if physically you are happy with him and monetarily but dont walk in with your eyes closed cuz you know what ur stuck with him forever till death do you part so its good to know things about each other beforehand. and remember if you dont want to you dont have to sometimes its hard but hey if you dont want to i'll personally come over to your place and help . if there's one thing i'm against it's marriages that shoudn't have taken place.... not everything should come to you as a surprise after the wedding ... yeah he might be an alim but he has temper tantrums

asalamualikum wrwb
rahema

[sadafisticated]

This thread is back from the dead.

Oh, and this site that one of u posted www.hidayaonline.com/arch...00273.html is no longer in service so if one of u would post the article, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanx